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Parking Division Ticketing Selves in New Tradition

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Donning a cardinal and gold monk’s robe circa 1300 A.D., Bryce Chaddington of the ISU parking department was seen chanting solemn prayers to “Lord and Savior Newton”, the chief of police, before writing himself a fifty dollar parking ticket.

“My sins must be atoned. My soul has been granted no permit in Lot 58C between the hours of 5:30 A.M. and 9:30 P.M. on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every alternating Sunday,” said Chaddington, lip quivering from the thought of his own bad, naughty, dirty-boy deeds. “Rules are rules.” Chaddington then whispered in anticipation, preparing his belt designed for self flagellation. On it, witnesses report seeing a tightly bound chain of car keys, taken from vehicles towed from ISU lots (at their owner’s expense). It was at Chaddington’s expense, however, when the keys dug into his skin. The seventh-year criminal justice major yelped out to the heavens: “Forgive me, Greiter, I knew not what I hath done!” Then, continuing, Chaddington said: “No, seriously, I was very confused and the sign was in the shade of that big tree so I didn’t see it, and no other lot spaces were open.”

Iowa State Parking Division masochism has been on the rise each year since 2015 when student parking division employee Wendel Blathers infamously flirted with the idea of purposefully forgetting pocket change for the thirty-minute meters. Now, in 2018, the situation has reached the point where parking division workers barely have room for their 1990’s-era handheld computers, as their khaki pockets are often already filled to the brim with self-flagellation equipment.

At presstime Chaddington reportedly moved on to writing a ticket for someone else’s illegal park job, never forgetting that a passion and love for the pain and misfortune of others must always come first at ISU parking.

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Parking Division Ticketing Selves in New Tradition