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Lake Laverne Water, Still Not Drinkable

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After 3 whole years at Iowa State, a parched student cannot dip their travel mug into the delicious looking Lake Laverne to quench their thirst. What the actual fuck Iowa State? Imagine being on campus on a sweltering summer day and having to resort to the “Fountain of the Four Seasons,” or hell, even stooping as low as Squaw Creek. Lake Laverne, in all its juicy glory, is the ideal watering hole for everyone and the Ames residents know this. When asked in a poll, “Which section of Lake Laverne is the best to drink from?” 100% of respondents made comments vaguely related to drinking from that plump, succulent body of water located in Ames, Iowa. To disappoint these fine people, Lake Laverne is not potable. It’s fucking not. I looked around for hours for a suggestion box with no luck. In the spirit of civic involvement, I filled the nearby trash receptacle with sixty-two formal complaints regarding the problems plaguing our lives. If you are deeply saddened as I am, please contact President Wintermint and Mayor Haha and demand changes. I dream of a day I can dunk my portable cup into that crystal clear water, give a toast to Lance Armstrong and Elaine Benes, and chug the contents. One day. Someday.

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Lake Laverne Water, Still Not Drinkable